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Wow, it's been a long time since the last entry to this journal, but it is here that I feel I can provide some knowledge of what came from this hypnosis experience.
Hypnotically induced psychonautics, seeing through the rules of physics and hindrances. I began this experience as more of a fundamentalist religious person, but through this experience I felt like I saw through the confines of the fundamentalism as a psychologically created room with clearly defined walls, a clearly defined floor, and a clearly defined ceiling. Within this room was all I saw to be real, but seeing it through the eyes of the subjectivity of chaos exploded the confines of the room into an infinite space with various other places and things. To this day I have become agnostic instead.
Before I accidentally fell into becoming screwball (which is another long story unto itself) I wasn't really the happiest person. To be honest I wanted acceptance or validation or something. Perhaps that unconsciously motivated me to try the Trixie hypno in the first place. At the time, Rarity (I don't know this person's username now) believed that I was in harmony link with Trixie - that I was unconsciously resonating with her character.
It wasn't until the fateful day of trying a poorly written hypno script for laughs with others that the iconoclastic Screwball persona was shoehorned into my unconscious by mistake. An 'experiment gone wrong' I would think to myself, and think to myself, and think to myself - solidifying Screwball's persona to me and my understanding of this persona as a mistake, a blow up, an accident, something which burst into the world with no real purpose or real reason, disrupting the order of my fundamentalist mind and replacing it with chaos and uncertainty whether I wanted it or not. I wasn't sure whether this was even a bad experience or a good one, or even a bad persona - no spiritually oriented admin on the site really seemed able to provide a straight answer. Nor could I deliver a straight answer to myself, and nor could the Screwball persona.
I found that the Screwball persona oddly likes to think in terms of rhymes, limericks, ironies, and paradoxes. Much of which do not make sense unless they are viewed from a chaos pony lense which oddly not only worked out for me but for another person here on hypnoponies - can't remember that person's name - who also understood these seemingly nonsensical ideas from screwball as long as this person was under the influence of a temporary chaos pony hypno. They somehow have a way of being true and having good reasoning without being true and while being true and while being completely validly invalid and right. Now, a person under the influence of chaos pony hypno such as myself or another person would understand clearly what I just wrote there in italics. Otherwise, it makes no sense at all, and yet more sense than perhaps anything you have ever heard. Consider this brain twister when taking your next walk outside while considering philosophy.
And then life took its course. I valued my differences. So what if other people disliked me for it? My differences were me, who I was. My teenage life made me so self conscious to an unhealthy point, but my experiences here reversed much of that. Being enlightened to this realization through this experience, I discovered that perhaps I needed to resolve this problem before continuing this hypnopony experience, and so I left hypnoponies for a while - hopefully explaining the large gap in journal entries.
Screwball being friendless, I stopped relying on validation or acceptance from other people. Screwball didn't need the acceptance of other characters to be happy and neither did I. Rather than value the validation of other people value personal freedom instead and don't worry about those other people. Go footloose.
Furthermore the world itself is chaos. Screwball knows this. Is our world really a world of harmony? That's what the mainstream teaching of the other characters in hypnoponies sometimes seem to imply, that the world is or should be harmonious; nothing wrong with this view but perhaps from a chaos pony point of view it is unrealistic. The chaos view may be more that the world is, was, and will be chaos, but that happiness can be created within the self regardless of the circumstances and to embrace a lack of attachment to order/harmony to this end. Not to be attached to harmony per se, but more-so the development of the self in relationship to the outside world. Rather than being attached to the idea of what should be, be attached to the development of the self and its development. Don't wait for the world to be right to give you happiness - accept its precarious state and create your own happiness from within anyway.
From a harmony pony point of view this may look downright apathetic at times, or even wicked - (how can one be happy when the clouds are raining chocolate and houses are floating inverted?) - but neither of which is true, and I found it is the chaos pony who understands this.
By The Sweetest Belle
Journal resurgence II: Electric Boogaloo.
So, how have I been? I have been well enough, and some new developments arose from my latest works. I began writing files for the community, and with the Scootaloo file finished and an Applebloom file well on its way to completion, I am hoping to become a fixture in the writing scene for this community. I have plans for a plethora of files.
Aside from that, I have been exercising my mental muscles more and more. My imposition has been coming back in flashes and I am starting to regain the wondrous feelings I had when I was younger. It is nice to feel again, and with every file I write and session I conduct my skills as writer improve while my self hypnotic work has continuously made me a better subject.
With all this, there is one more thing to be mentioned. I am realizing I am...indecisive when it comes to forms, given how much I'm enjoying my time as Nightmare Moon currently. While I will continue to be known as The Sweetest Belle in the community, I think it is time to embrace the polymorphism of myself and just accept that whatever form I am, the core of my being and my desires for myself and this community will still be here no matter who I choose to be.
I can't decide,
Madame Moon (Sweetie Belle)
My last post was my Ciderfest post? Dang, I've been inactive.
Well anyways, I posted this to say I was gonna have myself some more hypnosis fun, since I've been pretty stressed out as of recent. And by hypnosis fun, I mean becoming Derpy hypnosis fun. Now, before you all start writing a forum obituary, here's a little Q&A I wrote up.
"AAAAAAAAAA DERPY IS OUR WEBADMIN THE SERVER'S GOING TO BE UP IN FLAMES WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEEE RIP HYPNOPONIES"
That's not a question.
"No, but really, how are you going to handle being Derpy and managing the server at the same time? Isn't she... kinda ditzy?"
You've never seen a mailmare manage a webserver?
But anyways, two things. First off, the file was screened and approved by Star Shard (and apparently Scootaloo also received mentorship from her, too.) I wouldn't think Star Shard would approve of a dangerous file to be released for public consumption. Not to mention, based on the file's contents, my work ethic should actually improve as it lists the reader out to perhaps make mistakes once in a while, but to improve from those and to be trustworthy enough to handle the mail. That being said, Scoots as well as FlutterHi and Star Shard did a phenomenal job on the file and deserve to be showered in praise.
Second, the thing is about hypnosis, as far as a personality and identity one takes on through becoming a particular character; while some of it can come from what the files give you, a lot of it also depends on how you see that character, when you impose that character onto yourself. And, to me, Derpy is not incapable of something that requires mental skill. Derpy can be a bit of a silly mare. She's definitely a bit clumsy as well, and a little bit socially awkward, from what I observe. But, intelligence-wise? I like to think Derpy's smart; she just hasn't really had the opportunity to show it to anyone. That being said, this isn't necessarily a canon interpretation, and heck, I don't even have all of the episodes to base it off of; I kinda dropped off after the first two seasons, and mostly stick around for the community and the hypnosis. But that's who Derpy is, personality-wise, to me.
"Why, out of all ponies, did you choose Derpy?"
I relate way too much to my fanon interpretation of Derpy's character. As a result, well... it's a bit difficult not to imagine myself becoming that ditzy mare. And really, I've wanted a file like a Derpy file to exist for quite a while, but really, I felt it was too dangerous to create such a file, so I never figured I'd ever see one beyond personal sessions or something, and even then, it'd raise concerns of being something I wouldn't be able to sustain in a real-life environment.
And then, Scootaloo, Star Shard, and FlutterHi got together and, well, pretty much put that thought on its head by releasing that exact same file, written to be safe, and I'll be honest; the second I saw that it existed, my first thought was "I must listen to this file, I must become the mailmare." So, TL;DR, always wanted to, never actually had an opportunity to until now.
"...do you want a muffin?"
I'd love one! ^^
Well, anyways, that's all I've gotta say about that. I worry a little bit about what people will think, but I mean, in the end, it's my life, and I'm fairly confident that this little hypnotic adventure/trip/etc I'm going to put myself though won't hinder my ability to perform my job or my duties as a site web-administrator. If, however, at any point it begins to degrade my ability to do such things, I will most likely cease usage of the file. Hypnosis is a great way to unwind and de-stress, but its effects should not become the reason why I'm stressed But, again, based on the contents of the hypnosis file, and my own personal view of Derpy's personality, I don't see how it could degrade my performance. As a matter of fact, it may wind up helping me by allowing me to de-stress.
As for things outside of hypnosis, life's actually going pretty well, albeit a bit busy. I got my driver's license yesterday, and I got my car last month! I've been having a lot of fun driving around and getting places a lot quicker and a lot easier than I could on a bike. And then, something I'm sure a lot of you are thinking about; as far as the server is concerned, I've been having delays bringing IRC back up because it's a bit... complicated arranging things so that I can safely run IRC on this server. I have to play around with it.
You see, IRC's honestly a giant target for server vulnerabilities. Running it via root (basically has complete control over the entire system) is just asking for trouble. So, in order to run it safely, I'd want to create a new user and give that user limited access to the entire server, but have the power to do root things if necessary. I just... need to figure out how I want to go about doing that. The server control panel I installed, while comprehensive, has its flaws.
But, fortunately, the site (as in the forums) seems to be functioning just fine and I haven't heard of really any major bugs since moving the site beyond the mistakes I made (can you see why I draw parallels between myself and Derpy? I make a good number of mistakes ), so I guess my implementation of the new server control panel was a success, and it works almost as well as CPanel does, but cheaper ^^ I went with ISPConfig, which provides for a lot of customization and is free, and then I swapped out the Comodo SSL certificate for the site (cheap and secure) with a Let's Encrypt SSL certificate (free and secure, which is infinitely better than just cheap and secure). Overall, this site change is saving the site approximately 26 dollars a month, or 312 dollars a year, and beyond the functionality I haven't put back in place yet, everything seems to work just as well as it did under CPanel ^^
Anyways, that's... really all I have to talk about, or at least, want to talk about at the moment I'll probably write more soon~
Well, my rant from last time is over. Over the last few days I've been doing finals and whatnot for school. Honestly, they're a joke to me because of how much I've already studied the material when the tests were around.
Other than that, I did an interview for a paid apprenticeship yesterday. They accepted me on the spot. They're paying me a stipend of $400 at the end of the summer as well. So um, yay? I'm not exactly thrilled to be going. I mean, it's a nice experience and nice for my transcript but honestly... I want a break >.>. Other than that, meh. Nothing's going on. I guess I've been spending a bit more time with some friends (on the internet), and at last I was brave enough to make a call. *flutteryays* I never realized I was so shy >.>. Either way, yep.
On the side note, for some transish stuff, I tried a skirt!!! It felt great. To elaborate for all of you who are curious, other than feeling more fitting for my gender, it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay roomier. I didn't have to worry about finding the legs and it gave me much more room to move around. Finally, it's way more breathable. That's a plus at this time of year when it's 84 degrees Fahrenheit (around 29 degrees Celsius) in my room. Finally, it was pretty and cute^^. Tbh honest though, I probably looked hideous in it >.>. I really don't have the body for skirts and whatnot -.-. Ah well. Apparently, my voice is also feminine in nature. Well sorta anyways. My vocal range seems to stretch directly inbetween both the genders. Go figure, no wonder I can do so many voices with my voice. From Fluttershy to Russian Spy :P. Either way, I'm in a sorta better mood about it.
Just some things I've been noticing about LGBTQ. People at my school appear to talk behind LGBTQ's backs a lot. I kinda figured when I heard their responses to the subject in passing and the casual use of the phrase "that's so gay!" as an insult. Huh, go figure. Then there's the "third gender" thing on Friday. Apparently, there was a lot of confusion between gender and sex and that there must only be two genders. A person who thought otherwise seemed to have been ridiculed even though that person turned out to be an AP Biology (advanced placement college level biology) teacher. Well, tata for now ponies.
--Wispy Daydream and [Shade]
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